Wednesday, 28 June 2017

Chapter 35

After a while, more stories are revealed. The truth is also exposed. Whatever. I have forgotten about that bullshit already. Siap kena tuduh aku "playing victim" lagi. Takpelah tak kesah. Terasa lah jugak bila dia cakap camtu tapi whatever la weh dia nak cakap apa. Tak nak ambil hati dia pun lulz

By the way I didn't expect that there were so many people read my previous post and felt sorry for me haha. Many of them privately messaged me telling me some calm words. I appreciate your words. Seriously thank you :') I am okay. I am doing fine alhamdulillah. Tapi serius nak cakap aku dah tak suka si fulan tu lah, cuma rasa kena diperbodohkan hidup-hidup oleh si fulanah, sebabtu aku meroyan minggu lepas. Ramai cakap pasal jodoh ja maybe sebab post aku tu banyak cerita pasal perasaan aku sebelum ni kot, jadi orang ingat kita sedeh sebab lelaki. Nonono. Dua tiga hari ja aku ambil untuk recover sebab tak percaya perbuatan girl bestfriend aku tu, so lepastu dah okay. Mintak maaf pun dah settle da semua. Anyway, selamat hari raya maaf zahir batin buat yang mengenali diri ini. Aku memang annoying sikit, garang pun ada sikit hmm tak tahu lah sikit ke banyak tapi yang penting maafkan aku ye korang?

Aku takleh tidur sebenarnya ni. Dah pukul tiga pagi mata ni duk terkebil-kebil. Aku ni memang dah move on dari cerita minggu lepas tapi kadang-kadang tu banyak pulak flashback nya. Korang nak tahu tak benda aku paling menyesal dalam 24 tahun aku hidup ni apa? Satu, mudah percaya orang. Dua, mudah suka orang. Tiga, jaga jodoh orang. Yang first tu biaq pi lah orang yang suka menipu tu tanggung lah dosa menipu dia sendiri antara dia dan Tuhan. Yang second, takleh nak kawal hati ni kotoq sangat dah kot Allahu. Tapi yang ketiga ni paling annoying dengan diri sendiri bila ingat balik. That moment when your sincere feeling is not appreciated hmm don't feel good when this thought crosses my mind right now.

Only Allah knows how sincere and how innocent I was. Kenapa innocent? Haha meh nak bagi contoh. Ada beberapa kali tu bila lelaki tu hilang barang penting contohnya folder patient pastu logbook klinik, aku cari tau. Yang logbook tu pernah aku cari satu kelas, dalam beg semua orang, last-last jumpa kat dalam kotak kawan lain. Bila jumpa aku habaq kat dia aku jumpa tapi aku cakap aku terjumpa padahal aku cari. Bodoh piang betul. Pastu kalau dia injured sebab main sukan, risau aku memang melebih lah, pernah pi bagi minyak panas kat dia. Keesokannya kat kampus mesti tengok kaki dia yang sakit tu oke tak jalan semua. Pastu kalau ada aku bawak brownies ke cupcake ke mesti lastnya aku simpan untuk dia pastu aku bagi kat kawan yang duk sebelah dia dalam kelas. Siap pesan, "Kongsi dengan dia ye." Pernah dapat buah limau dari Dr, pernah dapat coklat dari parents classmate yang pi Makkah, aku pi letak atas meja dia dulu sebelum meja orang lain ya ampun hahah. Yang lebih innocent lagi, aku banyak kali salotep logbook klinik dia yang terkoyak rabak. Nampak atas meja dia macam apa ntah logbook dia nak hancur. Aku salotep satukan balik susun ikut mukasurat betul-betul. Pastu letak balik tempat asal. Yang ni takde orang tau rasanya lol. Biasalah crush sekelas camni lah. Tapi ni lah nak habaq takyah lah weh try hard sangat. Ahahahaha serius rasa bazir masa -..- Jangan risau, dia pun baik ngan aku masa tu. Yelah dia sangat baik sampai aku perasan dia suka aku, padahal dia suka bestfriend aku kahkahkahkah

Ok tu je lah saja mengimbau memori. Nak delete dah ni memori dengan dia. Dah move on katakan. Kang ingat aku tak move on lagi. Dah move on lahh saja ja nak cerita sebab benda ni kelakar bagi aku lol. Ok *tekan button delete*

Bye assalamualaikum :)

Saturday, 17 June 2017

Chapter 34

Assalamualaikum :)

Final exam dah habes. Alhamdulillah dah sampai Kelate malam tadi. Tinggal nak tunggu result ja insyaAllah semua lulus ameen.

Kali ni aku nak cerita satu benda :) As I told you in the previous post, aku berjaya lulus untuk clinical requirement dan competency test yang membolehkan aku graduate on time, alhamdulillah. Actually, in my thought, I think I succeed finishing them due to I managed to get out from doing the same sin continuously. That means I have not keep any ajnabi in my heart nowadays. Bila kita lebihkan pergantungan pada Allah, everything will become just fine.

Dulu, dari tahun 1 sampai tahun 4, I fell in love with someone. He is my classmate. We started being close on holiday after tamhidi. I started to like him in the 1st year. Everyone knows about us. Junior pun tahu. But then, in year 4, he left me as he clarified that he did not like me as the same as I felt. He wanted to be free from me. He did not want me to tell stories to him anymore. He said that he is evil, he is a bad person, he said not to trust him. I did not understand why he changed, for me he is a good person. I blinded with love maybe. But now I know the reason he said it.

At that time when he rejected me, I was in despair for a few months. It is about 10 months I cannot move on from him haha so silly of me. I had a hard time when seeing him in class, in clinic, everyday. Gila lah kalau nak cakap tak gila. Meroyan kot. After 1 year, in my final year, I managed to think less about him, as I was too busy with clinics and labwork. Balik kelas terus tido. I stopped stalking him from everyday, to once a week, to once a month, and to no stalking. That means I have moved on. But sometimes, when I had hard times, bila ada masalah klinik, bila rasa stress busy sangat sampai tak sempat lunch, I missed him. I tried so hard to prevent myself from telling him my problem. Dah banyak kali taip kat whatsapp dia, but I deleted, closed my phone, cried, and slept instead. It was sooooo hard to resist myself. But now I am glad that I managed to get through all the challenges and hard time alone, only depend to Allah only, despite of humans.

Dulu, dia selalu concern pasal aku, listened to all my stories, gave advice, bring me up when I was down. He was my bestfriend and loyal listener for 4 years. Nope, at first it is not me who liked him. Aku kawan macam biasa. Ramai ja kawan laki. But he is different. He is that one friend who always chatted with you everyday and on the weekends. Changing presents on each birthday, sharing assignments, using our facebook chatbox as google drive, lol. I learnt a lot from him. That caused my heart changed from just friend, to like and then to love. But it is only one-sided love. Even he rejected me for a few times, my heart still fluttered when everytime my eyes met with his eyes. I accepted that he did not like me. I blocked him on social media to forget about him. I tried so hard to ignore anything about him anymore. I stopped. Until yesterday...

You know, trust is like a paper. Bila kertas tu direnyuk, it will not return to its original state anymore. Yesterday, I feel like I was hit by a lightning. Tak pernah nanges seteruk semalam. I knew the truth the night before yesterday. I slept for only one hour as I do not know how to accept it. My female bestfriend suddenly confessed to me. She said that my guy bestfriend confessed to her that he liked her since tamhidi. She also said that she liked him too but since I was too obvious showing my love to him, she kept the feeling by herself. It must be hurt for her. It was about 6 months since the confession. That means they have some-some relationship behind me for about 6 months. She said that she wanted to tell me earlier but she had no strength to do so, she was afraid that I will be heartbroken during our study. She knows me well. She knows how hard it is for me to move on from that guy. She is always beside me, listened to my one-sided love story for too long. Many people know. Many of our friends realized about them since long ago. They said that they are obviously in relationship. Only me, who do not know anything. I feel stupid. Very stupid. I know I was stupid as I cannot move on from him for so long, but I feel more stupid when I do not suspect anything on my girl bestfriend. She covered it well. I feel betrayed. The trust is broken into pieces but I shouldnt. Actually all of this started because of my misunderstanding. I misunderstand him. I thought he liked me. I feel stupid, I feel angry, but I cannot do anything. I feel angered but I cannot hate them. It is not their fault to like each other. It is my fault to misunderstand thing. I love my girl bestfriend very much. I do not want to hurt her. I do not want our 5 years friendship being crushed just because a man. I also cannot hate the boy eventhough I always said I hate him. I cannot hate him as I loved him so much before. Why does this tragic one-sided love story happen to me? Only Allah knows :)

The girl said that the guy already proposed to her to make her his wife. I am happy for them but at the same time I felt stabbed from the back even I shouldnt. Aku tahu aku bukan sesiapa. Aku tak nak jadi orang ketiga yang menghalang relationship diorang. Allah knows the best. If you are happened to receive their wedding invitation card in the future, korang jangan lah terkejut. Do not hate them, sebab Allah yang pegang hati kita. Allah dah tetapkan jodoh kita. I feel wronged, but Allah who made it happened. Allah knows my painful love story. It hurts so much but Allah knows I can get through this thing. Doakan aku kuat.

I know there will be someone who sincerely loves me insyaAllah. Aku tahu aku tak cantik macam my girl bestfriend, but I know there will be someone who thinks I am beautiful even I am not. There will be someone who will cherish and love me wholeheartedly. Everyone deserves love, right? Dalam cerita korea pun heroin selalu fails in their first love, she's hurt, pastu hero datang. Haha kaitan di situ. Hero aku belum sampai. Belum sampai masa. Belum jumpa. I will wait patiently. Do pray for me :)

Buat adik-adik, fokus study, jangan cuba untuk bercinta. It will affect your study. Korang akan rasa tak tenang. If you have a crush for someone, keep it as best as you can. Jangan jadi macam akak yang kecoh awal-awal, lastnya akak yang mendapat malu. Dan jangan percaya orang 100%. Do not trust your own bestfriend wholeheartedly like me. Put trust only in Allah, not humans. Human disappointed you, but Allah wont.